Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in creampuff53's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
8:24 pm	mpk Last Words My imagination has created expectation This day has been lingering for a long time An image So clear and obvious Always barely out of reach Fingertips never quite long enough Until I woke up this morning My body feels the same Exhausted and worn From staying up too late and waking up too early But picking up my feet seemed easy today I wonder when my mind will adjust It still doesn’t realize I’m eighteen The music whispers But I’m not sure what it’s saying The car’s engine fades The silence screams loneliness I pray not Time doesn’t exist A mere human invention to organize our lives Then why does it consume me And overwhelm my spirits The future seems appealing But what about today What happened to the today of the past four years Vapor deluded into the atmosphere Dust blowing in the wind Time that I question Summer Warm and comfortable Familiar Nights that will last till morning And mornings that will last till afternoon My thoughts return to class The view from the window is grey and mucky The music still plays And I wonder if I can do better (Comment on this)
Friday, April 1st, 2005
10:07 am	SCHOOL cool. i just got rejected or waitlisted from my top three schools. two of which i could understand a little, but was still pissed about. one of which i don't understand at all. i clearly was overqualified in my opinion and it was somewhat of a safety school. and then when my best friend got in, not that hes going there, and on paper i am better than him in jsut about every category, and he gets in an i dont, it makes me very angry and wonder. espcecially when mrs. euker has been telling me for the past 3 months i was a shoe in. but this is what i say, fuck richmond, fuck bucknell, really really really fuck gettsyburg those idiots, fuck mrs boyds econ test which i will no longer be studying for ( i actually cared about getting an a 48 hours ago), and fuck all the work i did the past for years. i dont no where im gonna be next year, but i have plans of world domination in the near future. anybody who wants to be saved, leave a nice comment and where you think youll be in 6 years to the day. i mite not blow that area up. oh u know what else is sweet? on my way home from oc, before my rejections, i got a 140 dollar ticket. excititng? why did i try so hard the past 3 1/2 years. i could have tried half as hard and still got into every school i got into now. oh yea fuck the SATs. thats it. 100 points cost me school and probably a hefty amount of money. but it doesnt even matter anymore. i think i mite go to essex, no knowck off to essex. its cheap and thats what matters to my parents in choosing a college. peace. everything DOESN'T happen for a reason. why? because other people are better. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
9:51 am	everything happens for a reason is just another bullshit excuse for failure. never take it as anything different. you will just be lying to yourself. (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 26th, 2005
11:35 pm	2nite i was going to write something meaningful,but i doubt anyone would take the time to read it. i mean who am i? a terrible writer who cant even get into fucking richmond. maybe i should have wasted the past for years academically speaking like the other kids. and how the hell cant i cant into freaking delaware honors. that is just some bullshit. anyway i worked 11 hours today and am tired especially since i have to wake up at 6 tomarrow to drive 3 hours to oc alone to join the rest of my family. where has my faith gone? i remeber not more than 5 months ago i enjoyed going to church or at least put up with it. now i havent been in forever. i need to keep thinking its a great day to be alive 9bc it is) but stop blaming all my problems on Jesus. i think thats what ive been doing. its so much easier that way. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 25th, 2005
12:30 am	zach 2 zach. moleface. i think he pooped his pants today in economics. original poem michael patrick kirby (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:22 am	joey joey, boy wonder. inspire. succeed. stop smelling so bad. you make me want to puke. original poem by michael patrick kirby (Comment on this)
12:12 am	yrahcaz zach stinky, smelly, nerdy. loses to greg. farts a lot. original poem by michael patrick kirby (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
10:11 pm	joey is right joey u too are my boy. i think ur right on this one. maybe im just faking it to give myself a false sense of security. i hope not. i can say i wanna go to college, then law school, make boocoos of money, marry a supermodel whom i also am very in love with on an emotional level, have the greatest kids in the world, own a large house, go on sweet vacations, and retire at 45 all i want, but the truth of the matter is life doesnt always work out the way u plan it. so yes, i do hope my life continues to get better and better in certain aspects, and it is possible, it is also unrealistic to think life will end up perfect. look at our damn football team (we were supposed to win that game if u didnt know by now). i will strive for and do everything in my power to lead that perfect life i envisioned, and as of right now, as young and optimistic as i am, i bleive those visions are more than dreams, but the real future. hope is what drives me. actions are what judge me. i hope u are understanding a bigger picture than 66 days and youth. i hope u realize u can be youthfull at 18 at 25 and at 68. i plan on it. you know what else joey. u need a hobby. me, i work at dicks, hang out with the greatest people in my world right now, and work at winning the senior bod. its not fun all the time but life cant always be. i think if u started doing something on the side, not truely time consuming, but something ur passionate about and will still be able to hang out with everyone, i think u may find urself satisfied in 66 days. just make sure its not reading books. they can only take u so far. not that im agianst books, i wish i could read as mcuh as u, but sometimes u jsut gotta live. and hell yea were gonna start making some ryhmes. we need to videotape a music video. u still got ur old ones. im gonna start putting out some beautiful words. be prepared. MO is comming (mike and joe combined to make one word, my name suggestion). peace joe (2 Comments |Comment on this)
9:25 pm	little story i wrote tell me if u like it or if it just plain sux i know its aobut football but it is something im very passionate about December 4 I’ve never felt this way before. Ever. And how could I have? Walking across stage, grasping my diploma, that sacred measurement of achievement, isn’t exactly like a trip over to Drew’s house or the daily drive to the school I used to attend, or anything else my body had grown accustomed to doing the past four years. This is all new to me. Do other people build up their anticipation toward an important event, waiting what feels like an eternity for it to come? Then halfway through they fail to recognize how short it will last. I always try to soak it all in, but it never seems to work. Right now, May 28, 2005, I feel like this line to get on stage will take forever, and forever twice for those people lingering at the back, but ten years from now it will have felt like milliseconds, a tiny blip on the movie that is my life. That’s how this year went. Looking out into the hundreds of parents, and friends and relatives of my graduating class, I know I would give a hell of a lot to do it again. Even freshman year and the fears and insecurities that territory comes with. Just to have four more years without worrying about bills, my career, real responsibility or anything adults have to deal with. And especially to go back to this past fall. December 4, 2004. It could have been one of the greatest days in my young life. That ride down to the stadium was simply mesmerizing. Just the intensity in the atmosphere and the excitement gave me goosebumps. I felt the anticipation building higher and higher every mile closer we inched. I will never forget, as long as I live, walking out onto that field for the first time, side by side with my brothers, and gazing at that magnificent Raven’s turf, seventy thousand seats glimmering royal purple and that crisp morning sky of what seemed like the greatest day of my life. It was perfect. Nothing could have spoiled it. Not a single team in the state of Maryland could have beat the 2004 Hereford Bulls as long as we brought our “A” game. In warm ups I thought I could have lined up against the Ravens and held my own. Opening kickoff came, I blinked and then we were all gathered back in the locker room, the first half over, listening to our coaches tell us we were twenty-four minutes away from history. The first 14-0 state champions in the state of Maryland. I still can’t believe how fast it went. And I can’t remember what it felt like being twenty-four minutes away from glory, for all the hours my teammates and I spent training for that day. 12-7. 12-7. Every time I think about it I get this horrible feeling in my gut, like I’m going to be sick. We played decent football and were winning 12-7 at the half. I don’t remember much of the third quarter. It all just flew by way too fast. 12-7. 12-7. But I do remember one thing very discretely just before the start of the fourth quarter. I remember my teammate, my friend Joe Akers lying flat on his back, motionless. Dead silence. I remember his father, a great man to all of us running out to him, fear in his eyes. And I remember kneeling down, and asking God for forgiveness and begging him that Joe be okay. My body filled with a tremendous amount of fear and passion. Fear for Joe’s life, fear for the championship, and passion for winning the game in honor of Joe. That may have been the longest fifteen minutes of my life. And as I listened to the blaring sirens blast away while watching the ambulance drift into the darkness of the stadium, Joe inside, I can honestly say I soaked that moment up and stored it in my mind forever. I will never forget watching my injured friend exit so abruptly nor will I forget any of my teammates whose souls died on that forsaken field December 4. Our opponent scored twice after Joe went down, both in the fourth quarter. I will never get that day back, but what days will I ever get back? Maybe the only day you get another shot at is tomorrow. It just depends on what you do with it. And unlike the movement of this gigantic line I’ve been standing in for forever, I think the best possible direction is forward. I’d rather not dwell on the past as I made the mistake of doing the past six months. Time is relative and this line wasn’t so long after all. Thirty feet away from graduating I’ve decided I will remember this moment for what it is, nothing more, nothing less. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 20th, 2005
12:44 am	where did it go i really do remeber sitting in class in 5th grade dreaming of the days i would be in high school. now that its almost over, i realize that anticpating for things is the biggest waste of time and one of the worst things u can ever do. i really should have savored my early years and especially those most recently passed. i would definetly do all this over again. because before i know it i think ill be sixty, having a great time, but unable to do some things im able to now. and hypocrites. one of my best friends did one of the most hypocritical things ive ever witnessed tonight. im mad, but what can i do. i dont think less of him. thats one thing ive really gotten out of highschool senior year. dont jusge people. ive talked to people this year i never thought i would have 2 years ago. i hope its jsut me growing up, but at the same time i dont because that means im growing up. in all honesty, i would stay in the moments of this year especially pre-december 4th when i had a strong faith in Jesus and something to fight for besides myself. thats all i seem to be in it for now, myself. Why? Would u rather be ignorant and happy or knowledgeable and miserable. i dont know my answer yet, it will probably take me a few weeks to come up with it but when i do ill be sure to write about it. this feels really good actually. ive never written jsut to write like this except when im keeping track of all my poker winnings off zach evans. You know what else i dont understand, why m i having a good time with my life right now, yet this past week everyhting i did felt so unsatisfying? tonite, room 23, unsatisfying. there were other things but i dont like the feeling at all. another thing. why can i not stop thinking about december 4th. whoever reads this probalby thinks im just a loser living in the past, and maybe i m, but not a day goes by i dont think about losing that game more than 5 times. its always there. and it hurts so bad. i always try to imageine what it would like to have a ring on my finger, but i never can. not even in my dreams. The thing is, there are so many worse things in life than losing a football game. but why does this feel like there aren't? you want to know one thing i hate about myself more than anything. i care what other people think about me. i really do care what other people think about me and it drives me insane and probably alters my natural actions. not around my best friends, but around my friends i just always feel like im being judged and i wish i jsut dint give a shit. but thats me and ill probably never get over it, at least b4 i graduate high school. and to all those who think high school is the end, its not. i plan on having every decade better than the last. always remeber its a great day to be alive. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 19th, 2005
1:03 am	chris clemens who is this man man and what does he do. ill tell u. he beats me with pocket fucking 7s when i have 4 of a kind (10s). why m i addicted to poker? i donno. (3 Comments |Comment on this)